sleep rite beds
Family Practices on Pre-and-post Death Phenomenon: Unfolding of a Family Culture in Lopez, Quezon, Philippines
The concept of death to my family is not seen as a tragedy but more like an anticipated end to a person’s distress, leading to the beginning of his or her life with God where happiness exists. Death is not the end but rather a continuation of kinship ties between the survivors and the deceased.(1)
Guided by this notion stated by Karen Pagampao, the following recount hopes to delineate what my family and I have just been. It would not be as detailed and specific as it would be for the purpose of confidentiality and security. Please focus not just on the people involved but how we regard a family member’s death (before and after death), inescapable phenomena that we can all expect. Since this would manifest our own culture I, a full participant-observant in the scenes, would be more personal in my tones and notes in reporting.
While working for our formal admission at the University of the Philippines Open University last May, my wife’s grandmother who is my mother-in-law’s mother, or my grandmother was counting her days at the hospital. Although she was hit by a mild stroke at the age of 72 with her aging and deteriorating body, her seven daughters, my aunts and uncle, and their children manage to be with her side in times of such predicament. To look after Lola in the hospital, stewardship of duties was scheduled. This was done alternately, assigning a particular grandmother’s daughter’s family members on a regular basis being relieved by another. Since the hospital is a two-hour bus ride away from Lopez, Imagine the efforts we all need to exert. Not to mention the hundred thousands of pesos we manage to raise from family members’ contribution to cover all her hospitalization and continuous treatment. After a couple of weeks in a private hospital at the handful of different specialists in Lucena City, she seemed to recover very well. Her immediate families (All mentioned earlier including I) were in all out support for her. Lola was back home.
My mother-in-law, aunts and uncles were always there to provide her needs. They even had her room renovated and fully furnished by an air-conditioner. All the while we thought she was recovering but she was not. As days passed, they got her back in the hospital again not in Lucena but here in Lopez. Lola did not like to be sent to Lucena again. She did not even like to be in a hospital. Though her voice was not clear as it was, she was able to recount that on her dreams, she saw grandfather (her husband who died several years ago) calling her, a premonition that death may occur with or without warning. Seeing the signs, Lola’s daughters or my aunties secured her assets and liabilities in a cooperative bank. Lola’s loan was fully paid for an assurance that death benefits be claimed if anything would happen. As part of future readiness, Lola’s memorial lifeplan were provided also by her daughters three years ago.
To cut it short, Lola bed ridden in the hospital struggled to stay alive for sometimes. All kind of prayers for the sick were offered for her to get well. Completing these rites is the rubbing of sacred oil (pagpapahid ng banal na krisma) to a sick, the last of the seven Catholic sacraments which was done by our Parish Priest. And in her last hours all of the family members were wailing loudly and witnessing as she drew her last breath. One of my aunts said that Lola had given up her amulet (anting) a reason why at the last beats of her heart she was able to stay with us for a longtime, an extra ordinary act she (aunt) said. Then, the priest offered another prayer, a pre-funeral rite, so that the deceased soul be forgiven from all sins and to start a journey and new life with the Lord.
Immediately a funeral service was hired. Lola’s corpse was cleaned and embalmed, it was placed in a coffin, and the coffin was placed in our house, my mother-in-laws house for it was the most spacious and convenient place for visitation and comfort of other relatives who would be coming. Furthermore, the body was laid on a bed facing an altar-like table in the house for pre-funeral rituals.
The period of lamentation started. Neighbors, friends, and other relatives from different places started to come to pay respect to the dead and help the bereaved family in any way they can. My aunties sat beside the body in order to receive contributions. Most of them (visitors/relatives) gave monetary assistance; the others, in kind. Foods and refreshment were served to the people. A vigil is held every night until the burial. Group of elders came to lead the praying of novena for nine days every morning. Varied people from all walks of life in our town visited us because when Lola was still alive she was a public person being the president of the senior citizen and former barangay and municipal official.
Based from our traditions prescribed by the elders (Lola’s sisters, my aunties and immediate elder relatives), there were dos and don’ts to strictly follow which were as follow:
· We were all advised not to let tears touch the corpse. They believe that this would make it difficult for the deceased to continue her journey to the after life. To keep once mourning, one of my aunties stayed in one room and wailed and shouted until she was pacified;
· Wearing of bright color dress was prohibited. Black, white, and dark colored dresses were encouraged.
· We were also advised not to take a bath which I personally disobeyed.
· People (include us) should not bring food to other places from the house of the dead because it was believed the dead touched all of it.
· In replacing the coffin’s candles, the dying candles should be blown out by a kin. We should not just lit it using the light of the dying ones. They should be removed out of the holder and the new ones be lit by a match.
· No chanting, singing, or playing of a musical instrument was allowed.
These guidelines should be observed through out the lamentation process. Some were guided by reasons; others were not which I was told not to ask. The events in the house were guided by the elder family members. Foods were lavishly offered after every set of visitors as if there was feast. The people who extended their condolences were overwhelming. Relatives came and stayed with us. I met those whom I had not seen before. It was like a grand reunion, seeing a generation to another.
During Lola’s vigil, other people were playing cards. Other elders managed to talk things out over bottles of liquor. Brewed coffee was easily available to keep us awake. My aunties said the people had to stay awake in respect for the dead and to accommodate the people who came to pay respect at night. Most talk topics that I heard from them were related to Lola’s life. My aunts would recount theirs and Lola’s predicament showing how they struggled to keep her alive.
On the fifth day for the funeral rites, we were required to wear black with white or plain white dress for the interment. Before the coffin was loaded to caroche, this was not horse drawn carriage but rather an customized automobile, my son who was the youngest great grandson of Lola was included in the pre-burial acts. Because my son was very young and he could not join the interment, he was lifted crossing the coffin of Lola in the house which is supposed to be done in the cemetery. In the crossing or paliban ng apo, my aunt chanted softly to Lola to take all of my son’s illnesses if there were and to bring them all in her afterlife. When the coffin was loaded to the caroche, it was a practice not to turn your back to the house where you came from and immediately the house doors were closed. Canned solemn music was played by the caroche during the funeral procession that moves at a snail’s pace.
The first stop was in the town’s plaza. Lola, a known public servant in town, was given a necrological recognition. All public figures from the Municipal Mayor down to a close municipal councilor friends orated their recognition speeches one after another. One of close relatives and my youngest aunt responded in a way that was very emotional. The next stop was the church where the corpse was given mass offering and blessing by the priest. During the mass, a time was catered for a very close granddaughter of the Lola to deliver her words of gratitude and appreciation to all those who showed respect and assistance. The priest was not the only one who blessed the coffin with holy water. Close relatives and other people were given the chance to bless Lola by sprinkling sacred water on her coffin. It was finally taken to the cemetery where the deceased is buried in a rectangular stone beside her deceased husband (Lolo), a belief that they will be together again and Lola’s special belongings were also buried with her just incase those things will be needed in the afterlife.
I remembered that the day of the funeral procession was pleasant. The climate was so hot for it was a high noon; the sun shone brightly. After the burial, back at the house we went. Foods were then prepared. The prayer of novena continued up to the ninth day, another gathering and celebration. The prayers for practical reason were continued in the church to put things back to normal in the house. These series of prayers are held to help the deceased enter the gates of heaven on the 40th day upon death as mentioned by the elders. For Lola’s soul will still be around to make ‘paramdam’. Days after funeral, my mother-in-all and her sisters kept on telling us Lola was keeping paramdam in anyway. One night, my mother found it very difficult to sleep so she went to the kitchen to drink water. There she saw a big black moth hovering around the kitchen. She drove it away but still it kept on coming back. To her fright, mother hurried went to bed and prayed for Lola’s spirit to stop making paramdam. Finally, I had been noticing my mother-in-law and aunts wearing black or dark colored dress, a show of continuous mourning that would last for a year (hubad luksa) to the day of death. This occasion would mark the end of mourning when they plan to resume wearing regular colored clothing, a scenario we all look forward to see.
Karen Pagampao http://bosp.kcc.hawaii.edu/Horizons/horizons_1999/celebration2.html
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